The D Spot

so here I can be who and what I want. There I am being edited and changed around.
“too repetetive” she said.
“You can’t start a sentence with the word ‘but’”
Ok fine but they are journal entries dearie, and you said you like my style.
Here I will be what and who I want.
I might be your best friend or your worst enemy.
I might be the meanest person you ever met,
or the most loving and caring person you can imagine.
I might be the saddest story you’ve ever read, or
the best lay you’ve ever acheived.
I can be whoever (whomever) I want
and I can change it with the click of the mouse.
God, I love that edit button.

I wish I wrote this dialog:

Philip: “Friends with benefits can be tough to pull off. I don’t have time for drama. But what the hell – You can be just the medicine I need.”
Chloe: “The best part is it goes down really easy.”

so this is a real shame when I am all dressed up showered, powdered, lotioned, made up, blown dry with red hot-mama nail polish on and some sparkly jewelry……
just to go buy the damn cat food.

something about this music gets inside my blood
and I find myself swaying with the beat and
visualizing
the lyrics.
And its such a lovely day today….
I can almost feel the sun burn right down to my
bones and I absorb the heat flush into my marrow.
My head sways side to side and my eyes close
the beat goes on and my heart is now in tune and soon I know
my blood with thrum with the pulsing beat of the drum.
And the lyrics
the lyrics
they sing of love or hate or death or birth
It doesn’t matter
what matters is the stirring in my…
soul…

And when I say it hurts you say wah wah wah
and when I say I need help you say its only going to get harder
and when I say I need my back rubbed you think it means you’re getting lucky
(and if you figure out you’re not, it a cursory pat on the shoulders and off you go)
and when I say I need you to help transport the kids you say you can’t
because its workout night
or lost is on
or wrestling is on
or you have a pay per view
or you have a softball game
or or or
*
I go to work I come home I do for the kids and even for you.
You go to work you come home and you do for yourself.
*
you tell me to go meet people, make friends.
I can’t even remember how to do that at this point.
and I can’t just take off and go, leave the kids to fend for themselves, as you find it so easy to do.
If you aren’t going to be home,
I won’t schedule anything because the responsibility is to the kids.
I don’t go out to dinner and movies leaving kids home to fend.
I don’t go out to pay per view leaving the kids home alone to near midnight.
I don’t go out to play softball.
I don’t use watching television as an excuse to come home early or not go anywhere at all.
*
Sigh
*

one minute I am soaring along on my tide of happy wishes and
rays of light and the next its like
a tidal wave these hormones…
controlling me and bringing me to my knees with
sharp pain and
inexplicable anger.
Don’t fucking talk to me when I feel like this because
I lose my ability to contain the truth.
Don’t you dare say anything that can even be slightly construed
as patronizing
or condescending because
I will jump down your throat before you even draw breath.
I sit and I stew and then get tangled up in
stupid girl-emotions and why
am I crying now, and why
was I so pissy then, and when
will this shit just
freaking
END.
For now the only cure
would be
Dove dark chocolate
and some really
hot
sex.
Oh well. Neither seem to be materializing
and I’m too pissed off anyway.
Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

came to me in a rush you did
I almost lost my breath
the kiss of air on the back of my neck,
a cool chill up my spine.
My hair stood on end and of course when I turned
there was no one there;
and yet
a girl can dream.
***********
and all the sudden the thoughts change
from that of pure and boring to
something a little more interesting
and way less pure.
Excitement and fear
where did that cool kiss on my neck come from after all?
**********
And somehow I know that even alone
my mind is rich and my imagination soars.
I miss you right now, and later…
I’ll miss you even more.
**
There is a lonliness in being alone

the dream was that I was outside and it was cold…wintertime or there abouts. I look up and the plane is coming towards me, going east I believe. It is in the sky but falling. It falls at the horizon. I can’t hear it land but I know it is in the ocean. Tragedy.

…and you ask me to speak what I’ve never before said and to describe that which I have no words to describe.
And I try and I can’t and I feel like
…I don’t know…
I don’t want to be stupid with you.
You don’t read these words and so Im safe to say here
I am willing to push boundaries for you and I try
and I am willing to say a hell of a lot to you and I try
and yet and yet and yet and yet
you ask me these things or
discuss these things or
say those things and
sometimes I feel like I am giving up a little part of me
or sharing secrets that have up to now been my burdens alone.
Yet here I have to ask to learn about you.
I want to know you.
I want to understand you and what you think.
What makes you cry? What makes you laugh?
And I don’t know and I wonder if I ever will.
and yet and yet and yet and yet
I still think I Just might do
anything
for you.

Energy swirls around me, electronics going on and off whenever I raise the power. It almost scares me but not quite.
I heard it said somewhere that sexual energy is the most powerful. No wonder all acts of love are considered worship.
I want to fly out, to travel where I once went as a child. I want that freedom to explore, to fly in the clouds like I haven’t in some time.
The fax machine doesn’t work at work when I am near it. IV pumps alarm for no real reason.
The last time all this happened it was when I was pregnant. I am sure as hell not pregnant now.
I am pregnant with energy, with goddess love.
I carry the desire, but have no means to an end.