The D Spot

Somewhere in the ether, in the
cobwebs of desire,
somewhere between the could have beens
the want the loss the fire.
Somewhere in the darkness, or
behind the pregnant moon.
somewhere in the sometime
I think I once kissed you.

When last we left our young lovers, She had just confessed to He that her feelings were more than the mutual friendship they’d both enjoyed for so long….
She “I had to tell you. Please, say something.”
He: (Pause, looks to right then left before looking at her) “What do I say?”
She (eyes watering.) Looks searchingly at him.
There is silence, they are looking into each other’s eyes. She looks hopeful. He looks pained.Finally, the moment is broken when She turns her head to the left side, takes a half step backward.
She (eyes downcast) “Im sorry, maybe you should go.”
He: (reaches out, hands to her shoulders) “Wait.”
She: “For what? You gave me your answer. Im an idiot to think that there could be more between us and now I probably ruined it all.”
He: (whispers) You didn’t ruin it. I was quiet because I couldn’t believe you said it.”
She (Looks up to him, tears shining, hopeful expression) “Really?”
He responds by kissing her. She sighs, they press together.
yadda yadda yadda
cue steamy sex scene.
*
Act 2: The next morning in her hotel room.
She wakes up with a smile, stirs and reaches across bed for him.
Bed is empty.
She sits up, checks shower. Also empty.
There is a note on the table. She reads it aloud.
“Im sorry. I can’t do this. I love you but not like that that.”
She crumples up the note, throws it on the ground.
She begins to cry.
and cut.

tonight I went searching for the title of the car
and I found all sorts of things in my memento’s drawer that I’d forgotten about.
Things like awards my now-20 year old won in first grade, a baggie full of baby teeth
one tiny shoe and some booties my mother in law knitted for my 14 year old when she was born.
I dug under the pile of hand-made mother’s day card’s and letters written to Santa.
Folded up into a tiny square I found it. Not the title.
A faded and worn love note from over twenty years ago.
A tortured admittance of love lust and longing from a long-ago boyfriend and blurred by my own tears when we broke up a few months after it was written.
Even now I can feel a little teary.
Not because I miss him. That was too long ago.
But because that untamed, free, wild and hopeful love…
that kind of thing only happens once, and only when you are young.
I remembered summer nights and passionate declarations
Promises to take me away, and my firm belief in forever…
I folded up the letter and put it back in bottom of the drawer. I will save it forever
to treasure the memories
of who I used to be.

Did I tell you how often I dream of you?
Terrible dreams of passion and power.
Oh you would be so embarrassed if you saw inside my head
behind my eyes, where the night time visions grow.
I see you in so many situations
an unexpected meeting
a well-planned tryst
does it matter the place, of course not.
what matters is the heat
the skin to skin warm friction
hands
gripping your shoulders to pull you closer to me
my legs
around yours,
pulling you closer
drawing you deeper.
Your skin burning with the fire that I
have worked so hard to smoulder.
Oh these dreams
so real
So hot
so soft.
I swear when I wake up I can still feel your kiss on my lips
on my body and
I wish only to breathe your breath in real life
to fall into each other for just one moment
I dream nightly of your eyes
your smile
your touch
your kiss.
and each morning I awake somehow satisfied yet filled with more longing.
Aching to return to my dreamstate.
I ache crave crush for the sheer physical contact.
Rules be damned; we can deal with that later.
For now I beg for your touch, for your heat.
My skin craves the touch, my mouth the kiss
I crave to tell you of these nightime visions,
but I fear so much.
I’ve been told I come on a bit strong at times.
And if all I want to do is jump your bones
where does that leave the rest of you?
Sure I want to know you, hear you, listen to you love you
but tonight
damn
tonight I just want to do you.

It comes upon me on nights like this
soft jasmine breeze and citronella brushes my skin like
a feather of a kiss.
Lonliness is silly when you sleep but feet from me
and could I cross those mere inches, curl up into your warmth and
lose myself to sleep…
well then everything would be just fine.
But nights like these
leave me wishing wondering waiting for something
I have never had, and fear I never will.
There is a longing in the warm nights
a pulling of the heartstrings to feel deeper
love truer
find true love and the true lover…
As a teenager I would sit in my window, holding my cigarette in one hand
pen in the other and journal on my lap
writing writing in fair to good rhyme
waiting to be older, to have the sweetness promised by the jasmine breeze.
And here I am now
older
wiser
and no more closer to finding my hearts desire than I was back then.
I think the main problem is in the
not knowing.
uncertainty is the line of my life
Future unguaranteed and tomorrow only as good as
the paper the calendar is printed on.
Sighing I turn to bed
If not heart’s desire, perhaps I will at least find some comfort.

Marrow red and thick and I watched as the
long needle went in slowly slowly
metal to bone.
With a struggle the bone breaks off
a small bit to the catheter, the tweezers, the lab…
all your cells contained here in this little vial
these small tubes.
Mysteries will unravel with the unravelling of
marrow
and bone.
In a lab somewhere hundreds of miles away
some namelss tech in a white coat and gloves
will probe you for secrets
expose your health
or illness.
That tech holds in their hands our happiness
all in that one little vial
and the couple of tubes.
But here and now,
you relax,
floating on the fentanyl-induced high
and flipping channels, unconcerned.

the leaves fall softly outside in the brisk breeze. I huddle in my blanket, stretched out on the sofa. I can see out the window from here; I can watch the browning grass as the last remaining birds attempt to find sustenance from the hard, dry earth.
I shiver and pull my blanket higher, resting my head on my pillow.
Moving my arms causes the pain to spike from wrist to shoulder and I try not to wince. Outward shows of pain are not encouraged here after all.
The pain in my shoulders radiates to my back and I wish wish wish for a comforting touch, a gentle massage or just a warm hand between my shoulderblades. Anything to take the white throb away for a while.
How I long to be up and out. How I wish I could just get up, go somewhere.
But the cold is in my muscles, bones, blood.
My legs are leaden, and hips creak when I try to move them.
And don’t you dare touch them, else I will cry out.
The front door opens, colder air blows in with the arrival of the young ones home from their day.
Breathing deep, I pull off the blanket and stand up.
Hiding, always hiding, the sharp stabbing spikes
up the legs, down the back around the neck
I smile and push back the wince again
hiding always hiding
I begin my day.

and the feelings of large hands
around my throat
air doesn’t move thru
constriction
and the pain in my head
as it fell against the floor
the wall
the window
Cannot scream without
air cannot think without
thought…
cry for help remains internal
and
as I lose consciousness the last thing
I see is
the rage-filled
reddened eyes of
my killer

And if I was alone with you right now
and if I was able to show you,
really show you,
what I am capable of.
What would you do?
I fucking dare you,
my love.
Drop your defenses, your words, your silences and
your clothes.
Give me your best, let me give you mine.
I can let go, I can just be and become who I am
can you say the same?
Again I dare you
strip yourself down to your real self
Screw all the social rules and regulations.
Screw all the limits, there is only possibility.
Give me your best shot baby
Give me a chance is all I ask
I guarantee you haven’t met anyone quite like me.
I’ll ask you again, can you walk the fire with me?
Can you let yourself live in the moment alone?
Separate the ‘should’ from the ‘must’
Show me the heights and depths of
your lust.
I’ll climb you like a mountain until you beg
for more and
I’ll bring you to the edges and back again
Come on baby, just give me a chance.
I dare you.
I fucking dare you.

You told me before you left that it had to be this way.
That we had to stop it now, before we both were consumed with it.
You believed me when I said I agreed….
And when I heard your car start and watched from the window as you executed the
perfect K-turn in the street below…
that’s when I realized just how much I love you, and how much
I truly need you.
Consumed, you said.
You just don’t get it, do you?
Being consumed in the heat of your love
Wrapping myself in your arms, your legs, your touch, your kiss..
Consumed doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Happy consumption, joyful pyre.
Your heat lit my world and brought the smile to my lips…
Yet you left me.
I think it scared you, this intensity.
This indescribable, multi-sensate,
hot/cold passion.
The way that one look could start me to melting
and one word
could bring me to my knees…
You said you enjoyed it when I was on my knees…..
I wiped away a couple tears after your car was long gone.
It seemed like it should be raining but the sun was out and the
birds were singing.
Not fair, when you think about it.
Not fair at all.