The cone of energy rises around me
Goddess bless this place I’m at
Angels in the four corners,
elements watching silently, like pillars.
I feel it rising within me, my hair
standing on end as if lit by lightning
My eyes, turned inwards to watch the
transformation of self
to self-less.
Incense burns brightly and
candles flicker with power
I breathe in the scent of lavender and hyssop
Elder and rowan are mine now
I cast my circle, say the words
drawing down the moon is almost sexual in its thrall.
Is she not that which is found
at the end of desire?
Goddess blessings to each of us
Goddess courage to watch over us in times of trial
Goddess brightness to light our way in times of darkness
And Goddess arms to shelter us in storm.
Slowly slowly the power recedes
my heart still running trip-hammer
I breathe slow
again and
again.
She has left for now this exact place
but She remains around and in me
forever.
words once said cannot be un-said;
they remain
crinkled like paper in the trashcan
or
hidden like the razor in the cabinet under the sink.
You speak harshly and I fall senseless
to the ground
overcome
by your quiet lack of regard
for what it means to be nice.
Compliments have never flowed easy from your lips
compliments couched in criticisms are another story,
of course.
Someday will you tell me you love me
and make me believe it?
Someday will you really look at me
and instead of telling me ways to be better,
just take me in your arms
and let me cry there for a while?
Like the silent flame from the unattended candle
I smolder and go out.
Drowned in my own puddle of wax
and melting on the floor.
spirit guide angel soulmate or lover
what does it matter, one from the other?
I crave and I cry with a whisper of sighs
and yet I’ll be alone
until the day I die.
Such tragic verse! So morose a view!
I can imagine it now
how
I’ve alienated you.
So run screaming for shelter and hide in the shade
I’m drenched in the mess of the life I have made.
There’s no truth in the garden no clearance of path
My feelings can harden, I can weep or just laugh
Im lost with no map…
Soulmate or lover or friend or acquaintance
Im just such high-maintenance.
Im not surprised that no one is home
Im not surprised to find myself alone.
Im shivering and sad to the bone
Waiting and watching while tears softly weep
How much I miss you
The one I never knew….
The one I have yet to meet.
iI am walking down another corridor. It is cold here, and my hands hurt with it. The walls are hard stone, slightly damp. The floor is smooth stone, or maybe marble. In the dark it’s hard to tell. This may be a dank corridor, it may be an old ballroom. There is no light to know.
The blackness wraps around me, and I am scared. I don’t remember where the door is. I grope along the cold, damp walls, hoping to find something, someone, to get me out of this place.
When I suddenly encounter a hand, I jump and gasp.
Ssh I hear. You are safe. I am here.
The hand grasps mine tighter and then disappears.
Tears threaten. You are here and gone in the space of a heartbeat.
I heard your voice. I know I didn’t imagine it. How could you come and go like that? How could you leave me alone in this unknown place?
I wish for a savior, a saint or a sinner. Someone to show me the way.
Yet all that I have now is the shallow echo of my own breath, and one hand slightly warmer than the other.
I continue to edge around this corridor. Somehow I must find my way.
What did I dream before I dreamed of you?
I lay awake staring at the walls and ceilings
trying to remember who I am, what I want.
There was a time when I dreamed of success
of career and of future.
There was a time when I dreamed of wisdom
of ancient knowledge and divine love.
There was a time
when I dreamed simply, of happy times.
Dreams come like razors now, taunting me in
their visions of fear,
or
teasing me with images of what I
don’t have
can’t have.
Sleepless nights hold me captive
What rest I get is broken and frayed.
Where did all my good dreams go
Why have only nightmares stayed?
Bewildered by your words, do you think I am stupid?
do you get off talking to me as if I were a child?
Do you enjoy keeping me in the dark, refusing to show me
what I need to learn?
Where is the love in your passive aggressive comments
“Its nice, be sure you don’t lose it”
“Its easy, you don’t know how to do it.”
“wow, what did you do all day? Not housework, huh?”
“the laundry doesn’t fold itself”
What the hell.
Guess what? I’m smarter than you where it counts.
I don’t set out to wound with passive aggressive comments that
make the kids cringe.
I’ve had to stop them multiple times
from defending me.
And I understand, its more important to work out,
than it is to spend time with me and
its more important to go to softball
than to take me out for mother’s day,
besides,
you already told me
I’m not your mother anyway.
And
its easy for me to sit here and throw words into the forest
but its so hard for me to talk to you.
Its been so long now,
easier just to bear it than fight it.
I made my choices
a long time ago.
but if you only knew what you are missing by
pushing me away.
If you only knew,
that you can’t say something mean and then say
“oh I was just joking”
and then expect me to wait naked in bed for you.
Mistrust me long enough and I’ll give you something to worry about.
Is it no wonder that I live halfway in dreams?
At least in dreams,
someone tells me I am smart
and tho I’ll never be beautiful
at least in dreams
I can pretend that someone appreciates
who I am.
somewhere along the way, I must have done something right.
The boy that is now a man
came home with a huge boquet of flowers for me.
And I cried again, but this time with happiness.
the energy builds between my hands and I can’t keep them together any more
chakras spinning
head whirling
I imagine a great ball of light floating
just above my now-opened palms
I inhale the strength of my Mother
and I exhale with the power of my Father
and all the time
the subtle eyes are watching me with what I hope is
approval.
My tiger paces behind me,
my crow upon my shoulder,
Goddess of Compassion before me and
Master behind me.
With a wisp of a breath I blow across my palms
may the energy go where it will
and where its most needed.
I shiver feeling electricity through me
healing me as it enters and leaves
I am truly blessed to be this conduit
there is something to be said about crying in the shower
–you dont have to worry about your makeup running,
–no one can hear you
and
–when you get out, you can say your eyes are swollen because you got soap in them.
writing for the sake of writing embellishing life with curli-cue words.
Standing alone at the edge of a cliff and
wondering yet if anyone’s heard.
The music the melody the song in my head
I ask you for comfort you say you’re going to bed
and I watch you lay peacefully while I stumble through life now
balancing all on the edge of the knife now
and wobbly and shaky emotionally fragile I watch you sleep softly
while I cry in the dark.
Mourning the loss of the spark..
These never-seen pages of angst and of lust
of poorly made poetry and
stories, they must
stay hidden in pages of internet forest
where you’ll never see them, but then of course
no one will read this these dreams and ambitions
the lonely-heart rambles of a housewife who’s smitten
with daydreams and wishes that can’t truly come true
because after all, I’m committed to you.
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