The D Spot

I try to live life in a way that I have no regrets but
sometimes they creep up anyway.
There are things I regret, and I can’t escape that
nor blame it on youth, or ignorance.
Things I would change if I could,
People I would un-hurt
and others to whom I would dare to speak my mind.
There is no going back and words once said
cannot be un-said.
I must continue to move forward,
hoping that I learn from each mistake
and hoping that in the future
I can live of life of no regret.
*

My thoughts lately have taken a morbid turn and I’ve been thinking lately of all the things I want to do with my life that I have not yet done. All the things I want to say but haven’t said, all the things I want to feel, taste, explore…
I am on the edge of 40 and there is a great chance that my life is at least half over….and there is so much yet to do!
Some of the more conventional things I want to do are listed. The unconventional ones are staying private.
–go on a trip outside of the country
–take a cruise
–get some more college degrees (already working on this one. I have two associate degrees, and am starting my bachelor’s degree. Masters to follow)
–get to know more members of my extended family
–get either my poetry or prose published (kind of doing that with my sideline writing gig but I want to be in PRINT)
–hug more people, more often
–there are people I want to get to know better, to spend more time with
and the rest is secret!

I alluded to my boys recently and figured its time to explain them.
They are nameless but give me names to help me tell them apart. Josh and Alex, to be exact.
They are two spirit guides that have been with me for so long I am not sure when they WEREN’T there. They played with me a child and have always just been around me in some shape or form. I was pretty clueless for a long time though. Once the imaginary friends get packed away its hard to remember that they were there at all. I would dream of nameless/faceless people now and then. I know now that was them.

Several years ago, when I started to work seriously on my psychic and spiritual development, my boys came back to me in a way that I can actually feel and interact with them. First it was only Alex that I could manage to interact with, but there was a feeling that there was another with him, I just couldn’t get a good connection. I also had my primary guide with me, who comes to me as female and has no name. I have in fact often wondered if she is my guardian angel because she was also my guide thru my past life regressions.

Around the time I noticed Alex, I went to a psychic fair and managed to get myself a reading with one of our local top psychics. She told me, without me prompting, that there were two male energies around me and a woman as well. That was my verification.

Lately, since I have been open to them, the two have been hanging out with me now and again and I can sometimes feel their presence. I feel them standing just behind my left shoulder. (My female guide is often behind my right shoulder). They laugh a lot and that is part of their message. I often can tell when they are close by because I get an odd kind of warm chill–very hard to explain! The best way that I can get their messages is to use automatic writing, and I find some very interesting messages that way!

These guys are not angels. They are spirits that for whatever reason I have contracted with to be together this way. They are there to help me get thru this jungle of life.

So that is the explanation of the references to my boys. I think that we three have been together in many past lives in different situations and in fact, they tell me that I can access more past connections thru them. That is the next phase of my journey I suppose.
*
If you have read this far, you are likely wondering how to meet your own spirit guide. There are different ways; what worked best for me was meditation. I also found that getting together with a few other like-minded friends could build enough energy that it was easy to connect. Also, you can ask for dreams and start writing them down. Look for connections that way.
I will look around and post some general means in an upcoming post. Just remember that you are a child of God/Goddess and that you must put your white light around you. Keeps the baser trickster spirits away..
Psychic ability runs in my family, so its possible that I had an easier time meeting my boys than others. I don’t know for sure about that because I am the only one of my generation (that I know of) who actually has some ability. My daughter holds the ability, but is not ready to explore it. Her imaginary friends were very interesting and in fact, she had a negative spirit attach to her….(yep one of those baser spirits) it was interesting getting thru that phase…
I guess that’s a subject for a future post!
*

I find that I can tell you
only
truth.
There are none of the usual
walls
or barriers.
I thrill to
your next question.
I feel open to you
and (unusual for me)
I am not scared to speak truth.
I welcome this chance for fearless honesty.
The only thing that truly scares me here
is the possibility that you
won’t ask.

My guides and I were talking today (more about them in a soon to follow post)
I am told that all things happen and all things are possible with love.
I am told that love is the driving force, the connection that binds us together as human and as spirit.
I am told that laughter, love and learning are the major goals.
I am told that if you love someone, now is the time to tell them and don’t hide behind human fears of rejection. Soul-to-soul is the message here. Spark to spark.
Share your light.
BE a light.
None of this is news to anyone. But its a message that needs to be reinforced now and then.
Lightworkers are stirring again. Remember what it was like after 9/11? We banded together for spiritual healing. We are being called again, soon. Not that there is going to be an attack or anything. Just some more changes are coming.
Can you feel it? Do you see it in dreams? Do you smell it in the air?

Last night’s dream involved me having to write a story and having trouble coming up with an idea. I was stuck, frustrated, and bothered by the fact that for once…I didn’t have a thing to say! In the dream, I started writing with my left hand (I am right handed) and all the sudden the story flowed. Next part of the dream I was making moon water. This time instead of lavender, I put something lemony in it (possibly citronella but I am not 100% sure). It was supposed to help me bring more love into my life.
It was an interestng dream to say the least.
And of course, it got me to thinking.
First, I need to make more moon water. In case you are wondering, moon water is spring water that is left for three nights under the full moon. After three nights, you bottle it and save it and put some on your forehead and nape of your neck daily for 9 days. This is to help with your psychic abilities. I made some recently, and put lavender in it. It smelled great for about three days but I had to throw it out after that since the lavender got mushy and smelled weird. I learned that first, don’t use a cork stopper on the bottle and second, refrigerate it. So now that we are in a waning moon, I have to wait to make more. Banishing spells are made now and I am not out to banish, I am out to draw energy to me. So I will wait until the next cycle.
My dream is telling me to try the citronella (which grows like a maniac in my little garden!). So I will and I will see what happens. I know that using the lavender water I did some creepily accurate readings and remote viewings so I am excited to do more with the water!
*
Next, the dream spoke of thinking out of the box. In the dream, I couldn’t write in the normal way, so I had to write in an unconventional way (with my non-dominant hand) Given that there was a lot of psychic theme, I think that its a personal message to me that the channels are opening a little more. But in a global sense, the message to use your other hand..think about things a different way…would be helpful.
Next time you are stuck on an issue, idea, creation, whatever…think with your other hand. Look at the situation as a different person, in a different light, at a different angle…maybe put yourself in another person’s place as you try to find your way around the situation. Different persepctives usually offer different solutions. Also, don’t be afraid to try something new. I learned I can write with my left hand. Who knows what you might be able to do!

I might be just doing anything when I feel it. That sneaky crawl of goosebumps up the back of my neck to the crown of my head.
I turn quickly, expecting someone behind me, yet no one is there.
My heart speeds up, I get a clench in my stomach.
I feel it. I feel someone.
Where are you?
WHO are you?
Butterflies begin to dance in my stomach and my heart knocks in my chest.
I feel it again.
The caress of your thoughts.
The phone doesn’t ring.
There is no new email.
No one is at the front door.
Where are you?
You cannot be in my mind only
I cannot imagine this sudden
overwhelming
touch.
This
caress of thoughts.

You came to me in my dreams last night
my love
my life
my loss.
Held me thru the darkest hours
Your words a soothing balm
the fragments of thought but a memory now.
Your arms around my waist.
I swam in the sea of your eyes again,
Drowned blissfully in the waves of your love.
Brief though it was
it will have to sustain me;
Dark nights of the soul, and all that…
You lit up my dream and reminded me
of all in my life I lack…
my love
my life
my loss.

Today my thoughts turn again to that mysterious state of being, love.
I have a friend who recently ended a long-term relationship and we discussed the pitfalls of falling in love too early, and how easy it is to confuse those infatuated butterflies with the real-deal, true-blue love that everyone is searching for.
I started wondering if love is a constant state of being or if it can really come and go. Can you really ever stop loving someone, after having given your heart to them?
*
Isn’t there always some sort of connection that comes into being after two people, for whatever length of time, declare mutual love and affection to each other? And if they stop being a couple, do those feelings just vanish? Can they vanish? If those feelings vanish, then was it really love?
Is there a corner of the heart somewhere that is dedicated to the loves we have experienced, the arms that have surrounded us, the person that cherished us if only briefly?
*
There are certainly situations where love is withdrawn. Abuse, neglect, maltreatment….those types of situations will take what may have blossomed into love and tromp it down to dust.
But that is not what I am referring to in this post.
I am speaking of a relationship that is more or less ‘healthy.’
It could be romantic.
It could be familial.
It could be a friendship.
Does the love just end if the relationship ends?
*
My own experiences are that it doesn’t truly go away. How can it? Love is created and grows. It can’t just disappear. I hold a place for all those that I have loved, regardless of the endings.
*
What do you think? Does it die, does it fade, does it glow? Does love ever really go away?

As much as I try to be positive and loving and caring
As much as I give of myself to all others, all the time.
As much as I try to be strong and supportive
there are times when i think I am tearing at my seams
or
falling into little pieces, like raindrops on the sand.
And as much as I know that I am a grown up
I am strong and educated and
I know my own mind.
Just fucking once I would like to be child here
or the one who gets held
when the dark gets too deep.