There is a song that says “Rescue me, and take me in your arms…”
That is how I am feeling today.
I am struggling greatly with a class that I need to take in order to advance my degree. I have done so much to help myself learn but my mind is just not accepting the material.
I am almost beyond asking anyone for help anymore. What I need now is some comfort. I am losing faith in my own intelligence and I know that some would call this over reacting. The truth is that I am very unsed to not being able to make sense of things. And the amount of struggle I am having during this class is very hard for me to accept.
An apparent proponent of tough love told me that I could learn it if I wanted to and if I stopped telling myself that I can’t.
Ouch. That really hurt.
I would like to learn it, if only to pass the damn course and be done with it.
But its like my mind shuts down…
I have been working on the same unit for 4 hours, and this includes internet research for clarification of my notes. I took the test and the first time I got a 37%. This led to more research and a final test score of 50%. My average is now around an 89 in the class. Which is still passing but there is a midterm coming up that only allows one attempt. And the final. And four more quizzes and two more projects.
So yeah, I am making the decision to learn this stuff. I am just having trouble doing so.
But does that mean that I am not entitled to some comfort?
The weather started as I was leaving the parking garage after my long 12h shift. The air was gravid with rain and the clouds broke just as I was going out from the cement shelter of the garage. Lightning lit the sky in sudden, dense chains, and thunder rolled like an earthquake in the deep clouds.
I turned on the windshield wipers and began my long drive home as nature played Her dark symphony around me.
My mind got to thinking about the energy in the storm. Lighning holds such obvious power. One flash can light the sky, start a fire, kill a man. Each time the sky lit up my heart raced for a minute, waiting for the inevitable thunder to follow, counting the seconds between the flash and the crash.
There is passion in such power. A dance between the Mother and the Father. Mother soaks up the rain and the electricity that Father pours down. Mother gives back the water and the electricity to Father. A rotating cycle of give and take, flash and crash. Passion and power.
Today my sister and I did something that neither of us wanted to do, but after it was done we felt really good.
I guess in a sense we grew up a little more.
The backstory is that our mother pissed us off about 2 months ago. And we told her (nicely) but therefore pissed HER off. And if anyone can hold onto a grudge, its our mother.
After 2 months of dealing with our mother’s passive-aggressiveness, my sister and I decided we needed to do something.
We consulted with one of our family sages, who advised just apologize and forget it. She has her feelings hurt, he told us. Tell her you’re sorry.
Hmm…
Well, neither of us are sorry that we told her what needed to be said. But we could, theorhetically, be sorry that she feels bad about it.
Ok, worked for us.
So we bought her a nice flowering plant and showed up at her work unannounced. She was in tears of happiness. Neither of us used the “S” word, but we did tell her we love her and she hugged us and cried a bit.
So it’s all good, I guess.
My sister didn’t want to do it at first, and I wasn’t looking forward to it either. I mean, after the iciness of the past two months, we certainly were not assured a warm welcome. But going to her work–a neutral place–was our best chance.
What it came down to was we made her feel good, and that made us feel good.
Then my sister and I went grocery shopping, and I locked the keys in the car…but that’s another story for another day.
Talk about emotional reactions…endings.
What do you do when someone stops loving you? What do you do when someone just decides not to have anything to do with you anymore?
How do you handle when someone pointedly ignores you?
sigh
My mother, who is not talking to me since early May when my sister and I asked her to stop some unacceptable behavior, came over today to give my daughter her birthday presents. She walked in, passed me, and hugged my daughter. Sat in my living room, ignoring me. Not talking to me, not asking me anything but full of questions for my kids. When it was time to go, she hugged my daughter, blew a kiss to my son, and when I moved closer to her she just said “Well, goodbye D” and left after a snide “call me”.
**
For once she is not treating me like I am 12; she is acting like she is the 12 year old. Not sure which is worse…
**
I was throwing some cards the other day, and I came across the message that said an ending would occur, but that every ending is just another beginning.
Well that’s all well and good, I thought. But that doesn’t make the endings seem any better or easier, does it?
There are so many different kinds of endings in our lives. Happy and sad, big and small. Growing up is an ending, breaking up is an ending. So are losing touch with old friends, graduating, moving…basically any change is an end.
And change means just going from one state of being to another.
I guess thats how endings become beginnings, but it STILL doesn’t address the pain that can be associated with the endings.
How do you cope with endings and changes? Do you rail against change, deny every end? Do you accept it as just another part of life, and passively allow what will happen anyway to happen?
Do you think all change is inevitable and just fate/destiny, or do you think that you can put the process of change in place, and conversely stop a change or ending once its started?
*
How deep do you feel emotions? Do you think that you have any control over your emotions? Not control in terms of what you show to others, but control of what you truly, actually, deeply feel?
I have met people who have come across as so intense that their gaze almost hurts. I have met other people who are so shuttered that I have wondered if they have any emotion at all.
Maybe they are better at hiding things, or maybe they really feel little.
Me, I tend to be very reactive in my emotions. Its pretty evident in my writing.
I used to try to guard myself against being hurt by hiding and/or denying the feelings that made me feel uncomfortable. It was a defense mechanism I used during my parents’ divorce when I was a teenager and one that I still use to some degree with my mother.
But other than that, I tend to wear feeling out on my sleeve and in broad daylight. I can’t imagine hiding wonderful feelings of love or joy or happiness. However when I was younger, I was always scared to show positive emotion because I always just ‘knew’ that if I admitted to being happy or loving or whatever, something bad would happen.
I am glad that I have finally shed that destructive superstition.
My motto these days is to tell people how I feel when I feel positive towards someone. Does that make me emotionally intense, or just emotionally self-actualized? Some might claim obsessed, I suppose now I think about it. I make a habit of telling people that I appreciate them, or thanking people for helping me, or whatever positive thing I can think of. I like to brighten people’s days and I think that sharing a positive emotion is good for both parties involved.
And when someone hurts me, or I am angry, sad whatever…well, I am working on being able to verbalize those feelings. It’s hard though, isn’t it? I am going thru a time with my mother now where she is ‘punishing’ me and my sister because we nicely informed her to stop some behaviors that were unacceptable to us. That is the story of my life with my mother, so its not unexpected. But its also the reason why I am usually not very good at verbalizing the negatives.
So how do you react to others? How do you define your emotions-reactive? intense? well-hidden?
And how does your emotional response affect not only others, but you?
Do you think its healthy to deny emotions? Do you gulp them down in the name of keeping peace? Are you scared to tell someone that you care?
Me: Ok, we are sending you home with a prescription for Vicodin. Have you ever taken it before?
Patient: Oh yes! I love the vicodin!
Me: Good. Well you know it will make you sleepy, right?
Patient: Oh yes, my boyfriend used to take it.
Me: Your boyfriend?
Patient: Oh yes. But he died. He was blown up in a car explosion.
Me: Oh how sad!
Patient: Yes, but its okay because he donated all his organs to me! So now I have a part of him with me always!
Me: Ooookkkaaay…
********************************
(Loud yelling, blustering)
Security: Why are you so upset sir?
Man: Because I’m evil!! I’m SAATTTAAAANNNN
(More scuffling)
(After man is placed in four-point restraints:)
Security: Sir, I’m going to pat you down. Do you have any sharp ojects on you?
Man: Yeah! My prick, you asshole!!
So yesterday as I was driving home from work, I was thinking about relationships…friendships and romantic relationships and how the two can cross over in so many ways. You can have platonic friendships, love affairs, physical affairs with love or not love, or the ever popular ‘friends with benefits’.
I figured the thoughts were just a product of a tired mind after a brutal 12h shift, but then when I came home, I saw Alanis Morisette was going to be a guest on Letterman, and I got that song in my head that has the phrase ‘friends with benefits.’ Then, to just add to the mystery, I was visiting a friend’s blog and saw I was linked there and one of the tags was ‘friends with benefits’.
Damn. I guess I need to explore the issue!
Fiirst off, I am so very married for so very long…the chances of me ever having another relationship like that is pretty slim. Strange things would have to happen I suppose.
But I did have a relationship like that once, when I was much younger. Probably too young to appreciate and analyze the dynamics of such a relationship but not so young that I didn’t get hurt in that relationship, over and over.
“But baby, we’re friends, right?” was a common phrase back then, usually as he was leaving or as he was booty-calling me. (this was a long time ago–do they still use the phrase booty call anyway?)
Now, at my ripe old age of not-quite-40, I can look back on that time as five years of confused teenager/young adult and leave it at that. But what about now, at my age…is a friends-with-benefits relationship even possible in an adult relationship?
I would have to say yes but with reservations.
Both parties would have to have some degree of feeling for each other or else it would become one person using the other person. They would need to treat each other with respect, and the relationship would need some boundaries.
(If I could have said, back then, “you need to stop calling me from your girlfriend’s house” I would have been happier, I think)
The main rule in life is “An’ it harm none, do what ye will.” So yes, its okay to have a relationship like that, but harming none includes yourself; can you handle it knowing that the relationship, while based on friendship, is going to have a physical aspect without the romantic love? Some people can separate their emotions like that, some can’t. Which type of person are you?
If you can manage the physical intimacy and manage the friendship, while maintaining a sense of respect for each other…then I say go for it. You only live once. All acts of love are Her worship, in any case.
Think before you jump into it, though. What if one person develops stronger feelings than the other? What then? Do you break it off if he/she claims to now be ‘in love’ with you? Or do you continue? What if the two of you fall in love with each other? What happens then? What if you fall in love with the other person, who then tells you that he/she does NOT share the same feelings or worse…is in love with someone else?
Could you handle it?
Well now I’ve done some interesting reading about the whole twin-soul/soulmates thing. I’d kind of thought they were almost the same thing but there are some real differences.
Twin Souls are halves of the same whole, whereas soulmates are separate souls altogther.
Twin souls seek reunion with each other over the ages, soulmates enjoy being together in each other’s lives.
Twin souls, when they meet up and recognize who they are for each other, have a bond that is nearly undefinable and very open, very deep.
Soulmates have a loving bond too, but it can be friendship, familial or passionate. It is not as all-consuming as the twin-soul relationship.
You can have many soulmates, but only one twin soul.
Huh go figure.
Here are the links:
http://www.fromthestars.com/page122.html
http://www.fromthestars.com/page123.html
So I got one of those little personality tests via email yesterday and it looked really interesting. Can you really get deep insights about yourself from a 4 question quiz?
I figured what the hell and gave it a shot.
So first of course, I was prompted to make a wish. (don’t they all start like that?)
I ordered the animals, I described the given objects, I assigned colors to people I care about and then (for superstition sake, I am sure) gave my favorite number and day of the week. (which happens to be 4 and Wednesday, by the way).
Then I read the results.
Huh, I thought, some of it makes sense.
Apparently I am prideful and I put family before love, career or money. Ok, so I do put family first. But prideful? not so sure on that one. Don’t you have to have a certain level of high self-esteem to become prideful?
I see myself as loyal and my husband as smart.
I think my enemies are soft (whatever the heck that means).
I describe sex as warm, and I interpret my own life as a mother before any other label. Again, sort of I guess. (I use heat references in most of my writing to do with sex and the mother thing…yeah, thats me I suppose)
I will never forget my daughter, and I will remember my son always. (Thats kind of scary–are they going away somewhere??)
My stepmother is my true friend–I agree on that. She rocks.
I really love my husband (well most of the time haha)
and my cousin is my ‘twin soul’ (have to look that one up.)
And of course, if I sent the link to 4 people, my wish will come true on Wednesday.
I never claimed that I am not superstitious. I sent it to almost everyone in my address book who isn’t a work contact. Figured I may as well increase my odds.
Today is Tuesday. Be watching the news tomorrow for when I win the millions of dollars.
Recent Comments