The D Spot

Seriously.
What makes this guy think that I want to help him?
In that line, what the hell made him go up to my father in the store to ask for my mother’s contact info to begin with???
HELLO~~
“Hey there, sorry about all those times I f***** your wife during your marriage and hey, I know she left you for me but bygones are bygones. By the way, I’ve wanted to reconnect with her, do you have her number?”
Shit.
My poor father is forgiven for giving the Creep my phone number, but I wish he’d just given him my mother’s number instead. Papa was pretty flabbergasted, to say the least, that this guy had the balls to even approach him. He totally forgot that he even had my mom’s number, since its only for emergencies.
And why the hell did the Creep think that my dad and mom are even in touch?
The Creep called me and told me he’s wanted to connect with mom for the past 40 years. I answered him via email saying only that I would pass on his contact info to my mother when I next spoke with her. Which of course, would be a few days because I had to work.
And the Creep writes back about how he always thinks about my mother on her birthday…and how he drives by the house she grew up in…and how he’s wanted to talk to her for 35 years…and how sad it is that my uncle is dead…
Well I wrote back and said my uncle was NOT dead and furthermore, I had met him as a teenager when my mother lived on Oxford Street, so it has NOT been 35 years, more like 25.
And again, I reiterated I would pass his info along to my mother.
Ok I thought that was it.
A couple hours later, another email, how great my uncle is still alive and funny story about Oxford street…his girlfriend at the time had a friend who rented out the place when my mom moved out.
Um yeah, funny. WhatEVER.
So then another email follows the next day. Oddly enough I get it at work just after telling my coworkers about the crazy stalker/Creep.
This email has a picture of what seems to be his living room. Fancy, spiral staircase, looks big airy and expensive. “This is the picture I will send her” he says. “I’ve wanted to track her down for over 5 years now.” Wow, he went from 40 years to 5 years in just three emails.
So of course I only replied “I am at work. I will give her your contact info when I next talk to her.” (The same thing I have said all along)
I did get ahold of my mom a couple days later and low and behold, Creep had managed to get her cell phone number anyway. No clue how he did it, but I do know its a little bit of work finding an unlisted number. So my mother is not answering her phone anymore.
That was a couple days ago, I figured good, now he is her problem. (after all, don’t you get back what you put out? She wanted him enough to cheat on my dad..well then, let her have him. Even if it is almost 30 years ago)
Then today…another email from Creep in my inbox. This one, though, is strange. Its a copy of my reply to the last one, the one with the picture.
So…trying to figure out the Creep’s way of thought.
Either he was reading it and hit reply on accident, or he is forwarding it to me as a means of reminding me that I have not given my mother his contact info. He very much wants her email address, he did ask for it in the emails as well. And I am very much not going to give it to him.
I sent copies of the emails to my mother.
Let her deal with him. He was so hot all those years ago when her kids might have benefitted from her actually being there….instead of at ‘church’ or ‘choir practice’ or hanging out at ‘gloria’s house’ or any of the other places she said she was when she was with him.
*
And what makes this just laughable, is that he wasn’t even the REALLY crazy of the exe’s. The one who had to lay naked in bed, with all the lights off to proclaim to me and me alone that he loves my mother…well, he is the real crazy one. Wonder how long until he shows up…..

You are supposed to:

Look at the list and:
1) Bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) [Bracket] the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list on your own blog.

Okaaaay, here goes…..

1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen not a fan but read for school
2. The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien great story
3. Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte read for school
4. The Harry Potter series–JK Rowling–cannot get into these books!
5. ((To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee)) love this one
6. The Bible – I have read parts of it
7. [Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte - ahh doomed love…
8. Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell read it, wasn’t too impressed
9. His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11. Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy read for school
13. Catch-22 – Joseph Heller hard to get into
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare – have read LOTS of shakespeare and loved most of it
15. Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien my favorite Tokien story
17. Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger Read for school, really like it
19. {{{The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger}}} love it!
20. Middlemarch – George Eliot
21. (((Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell))) LOVE IT
22. The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald meh
23. Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy ugg it took SO LONG
25. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams read it but not a huge fan
26. Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. ((Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck)) loved it
29. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll loved it
30. The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame only barely remember it
31. (((Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy))) another doomed love affair…sigh
32. David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis oh yeah loved them
34. Emma – Jane Austen
35. Persuasion – Jane Austen
36. (((The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis))) my fave in the series
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini keep meaning to get this one
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40. Winnie-the-Pooh – AA Milne LOVED as a child
41. Animal Farm – George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45. The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46. (((Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery))) another childhood fave
47. Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy read for school
48. The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies – William Golding read a lot. love it
50. Atonement – Ian McEwan
51. High Fidelity – Nick Hornby
52. Dune – Frank Herbert read it, didn’t like it.
53. Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58. (((Brave New World – Aldous Huxley))) I love this one
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62. Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64. ((The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold))
65. Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas read this one en francais
66. On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding read it, very pop, but funny
69. Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70. Moby-Dick – Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72. Dracula – Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses – James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath just looked at this one at the library today
77. Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal – Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession – A. S. Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83. (((The Color Purple – Alice Walker))) gotta love this one
84. The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94. Watership Down – Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

Yesterday at work we were discussing vampires. Specifically, the ‘hot sexy’ ones in modern literature. My daughter has fallen under the spell of the “Twilight” series of books, and before her, I was awash in the lushness of Anne Rice’s “Interview with the Vampire” series
What is it about the modern vampire that makes we women and girls swoon?
Is it the mystery…he comes unbidden and focuses solely on us. He uses seduction as a technique to get us under his spell. And his spell promises love and secrets.
I can hear you all sighing right now!
If you look back, the original idea of a vampire looked way less than Tom Cruise even on his worst day.
Nosferatau surely didn’t have the ladies swooning when he invaded their bedrooms late at night. Yet even he had the power, charm…charisma?…to encapture them into willing submission.
Is it the idea of giving up control? Women are responsible for so much during the course of a day..is it fun to imagine relinquishing the duties of modern womanhood? It is tempting for sure to be in a place where we need do nothing but be. Perhaps that is the draw of the modern vampire.
My daughter is obsessed with the Twilight series, as I already mentioned. She has the books, the book covers are hung up with great reverance on her walls. She listens to podcasts and swoons over the images of the young male lead in the upcoming movie.
What happened to the evil vampire? The one that I was scared of as a kid….the one who snuck out of his dry moldy coffin and lurched into the bedrooms of unsuspecting females? You remember, he had red glowing eyes, pasty white skin, and threatened to take you right into his cold grave with him?
These days it’s emo-looking kids or even a well-manicured Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt…
I think that for the younger girls like my teenager, its a chance to explore their sexuality. Girls everywhere are going to bed at night, wondering “What if…” Edward from the Twilight series ends up iat my window, promising adventure, romance, and dark secrets?”
Is it much different than Peter Pan, when you get down to it?
The consummate boy who never grew up, who always wants Wendy (aka YOU) to tell him stories, mother him, and love him….compared to the consummate man who stays the same age, loves you in a tortured way because to love you is to leave you….the only way you can be together is if he kills you to make you like him….
With Peter you have to risk leaving everything and going to Neverland…With Edward and the other modern vampires you leave your life and family behind..
Both have magical powers.
Both never change… while you know in your heart that someday you will grow up…and out grow them….
Oh the melodrama of the pre-doomed relationship and the fun in trying to be the one to change it…break the mold….
Yeah, I can see why the young girls are all gaga over this year’s crop of new vampires, and I can kind of see why I and people of my age went nuts over the Anne Rice versions.
After all, we all want a little Peter Pan (or Edward Cullen, or Lestat, or Louie) in our lives once in a while…

Can a person love too much?
I care about people so deeply sometimes I get scared of my own feelings. Is it normal?
When I say “I love you” I damn well mean it and don’t even bother saying it back if you don’t mean it.
I crave knowing people, and I want to know every little thing about every person I know and love. I want to share details, happiness, tears, whatever…
I just love so much.
And on so many levels and all at the same time.
What about you? Is love an overpowering emotion, one that cleanses your soul and gives you a sense of well being?
Or does it mean less, or little, or nothing at all? Can you say “I love you” without meaning it?

So today a person from my mother’s past called me looking for her number.
This is the man that my mother eventually left my father for. He showed up every few years during their marriage, trying to get my mother’s attention..and whatever else. Eventually he got it and then eventually after that, she walked out of the marriage. (and soon after, he walked too)

Now, I have always been kind of glad that the marriage failed for many reasons. Mostly because it allowed my father to find his true love, my stepmother, whom my sister and I completely adore and see as a mother. There are other reasons too…issues of my mother’s that I was glad she had to deal with outside the marriage instead of inside.
The greatest blessing of course, is that my mother left us with our dad. She didn’t go far…didn’t move across the country until several years after they split, and so we did have to have visits and whatnot. But we were effectively raised by our father. My sister and I will be eternally grateful for that.

My mom’s greatest act of selfishness (what mother leaves her kids?) actually turned out to be our greatest salvation.

So anyway…
This guy called. It is no surprise that his name is M…That name is one of significance in my life in several ways, and in several people.

I left a message with my mother to call me. But its the weekend. There will be much drinking and whatever at her house and she usually keeps her phone off. And I will be working so I might not actually touch base with her for several days.
I emailed him, and told him that I’d called her and would give her his contact info when she called me back.

Hmm

So now I look back and wonder…
What if he HADN’T ‘courted’ her thru her marriage? What if she HADN’T cheated on my dad and left….
where would I be?
Certainly not where I am now. I defintely would not have done many of the things I did that led to the chain reaction of having my son and the family that I now have.

My kids are my life, my loves and my heart.

I am pretty grateful that it all worked out like it did.
Which begs one to wonder…is it ever okay to cheat in your marriage?
Sure my mother’s infidelity caused great amounts of pain for us all. But I can look back over 25 years and see now that things are how they are because of her initial act of deceit. So does that make it right?
Are there ever times in a marriage or relationship its okay to cheat?

Troths have been plighted, rings exchanged…and now what? Is fidelity really forever?
Are there special circumstances? Is there ever a good enough situation where stepping out not the wrong thing to do?

I am sure people rationalize their infidelities in many ways.
“S/He doesn’t listen to me like you do.”
“S/He doesn’t want to have sex anymore.”
“S/He cheated on me first.”
“S/He and I dont have the special connection that you and I do.”
“You and I are special, our relationship transcends my marriage.”
“S/He doesn’t love me.”
“I don’t love him/her.”
“What s/he doesn’t know doesn’t count.”

Are any of these legitimate?

I am reading a book called “The Lost Girls” by Laurie Fox and it basically chronicles the lives of Wendy Darling, her daughter Jane, Jane’s daughter Margaret, and Margaret’s daughter Wendy. (Yes those Darlings, of Peter Pan fame). The story is told by Wendy the younger. I am particularly impressed by something Wendy says, when talking about her boyfriend:

The theme in the book (so far, I am only just on page 82) revolves around men and boys, and growing up and letting go of childhood notions. It explores Wendy’s attempt to separate herself from her deep love of Peter Pan, her sense of abandonment when he does not return for her to do his Spring cleaning, and her travails as she grows up with the shadowy memories of Neverland in her dreams.

I am particularly impressed with a statement Wendy makes about her boyfriend: “I was a girl with a boyfriend who would love her till the cows came home, but who was not coming home with the cows himself”

The book seems to touch a lot on unrequited love. Not the kind of love where you crush on someone and it’s gone, but the deep kind of love that you know is real and true…..and that you sense in the other person but the other person cannot return that love to you.
True and real, unrequited love.
The tragedy and the heartbreak is tempered with the giddiness of the ‘what if’ and the total mixed messages received from the object of affection.

Is it possible to be in love with someone who does not or can not (or simply will not) love you in return? Or loves you in a different way than you love him or her?
Is it love if its one sided?
And if you pine, moon, cry or whatever dramatic way you deal with it….is it still love? Or is it a crush?
Is it really possible to love someone so much, that even when they don’t love you back, you still wish them happiness? Don’t you want to just jump on their back as they walk away from you, and grab onto them, and hold them until they admit the same feelings for you? (Or at least until you’ve humiliated yourself enough to let them go?)
Or do you let them go and find happiness in your tears of goodbye?
And on that note…
do you ever forget the person you’ve truly loved? Do you hold a fondness for them? A sadness? Or does it just wither up and blow away, dust in the wind and all that? Are your long-term feelings tempered by the feelings they had for you?

Hello all friends and readers.
This blog has been quiet mostly because I have been working my butt off on my new blog. I invite everyone to come see my latest and greatest blog “Daughter of the Moon”
Please stop by and read awhile!
~D

And out of the blue I hear from you
Your words are cutting and sudden.
Without warning you are there and
Without warning you have spliced and sliced and
turned upside down
what started as a normal day.
Dammit, mother.
Why must you always take away my happiness?

Your acts of unwitting hurtfulness
hurt nonetheless.
The fact that you don’t see what you are doing as painful to others
hurts me again and again.
I cannot speak to you of anything
unless you want to speak of it;
you run from the slightest whisper
of words you don’t want to hear.
And then to find you again
I must wait until you come back.
How much tread can a heart take?
How many beatings til it finally breaks?

I had quite an interesting dream the other night, and after some reflection, I found the meaning in it.
I dreamed that my son, my husband, and my husband’s friend were all in a band. They all wore black. My son was playing drums, my husband was playing bass and my husband’s friend (T) was singing and playing guitar (which he does in real life).
Anyway, in this dream I was trying to sleep and upset that they were playing so loud in the living room.
So in the dream, I went to sleep and began to dream.
In this dream-within-a-dream, the guys were there, but we were outside in a Camelot-like place. There was a castle, the grass was simply verdant and lush and the sky was a bright blue. It was sunny but not hot. It was PERFECT.
There were people all around, wearing long robes of all different colors and they were singing. I was watching, very passive in this dream.
My husband’s friend was wearing a crown of roses.
My son was still all in black.
My husband was there but I just barely noticed him.
Another family member was walking around.
And the singing was led by Martin Short, of all people.
*
So at first I thought I just shouldn’t eat MnM’s before bed. But it struck me later…these characters, they are representative of tarot cards. There could be a meaning here.
The masses in the robes, they are the tarot cards that are not pulled.
Martin Short–that’s easy, he is the Fool.
My husband’s friend with the crown of roses–he is death.
My son all in black–I thought he was death too. But it feels more like the Tower on meditation.
The fact I didn’t notice my husband…he is not a part of this reading then. Its for me alone.
The family member walking around…I feel that is Wheel of fortune because he was completely unencumbered in this dream, and in real life, there are some issues.
So…
Fool
Death
Tower
Wheel of Fortune.
Its no lie that I’ve been asking my guides for messages, meanings, and to help iron out some wrinkles in my mind and heart.
The message as I see it:
Pay attention, look and watch where things are going. Big changes ahead if you are not careful they will take you by surprise. Cleansing, losing of some, gaining of others. Element of danger and loss but its all meant to be, fated, destined whatever.
Hmm.
Not the most positive of readings but my boys don’t lie.
Stay tuned, I guess.