Sometimes it feels like I’ve left all my compassion at the door;
Or I’ve given so much, I’m empty and dry.
My shoulders still damp with others’ tears.
I come home and I am tired
or my legs hurt, or my back hurts
from bending, lifting, pulling just one too many patients this day.
Sometimes it feels like I
have given so much to others that
there is nothing left for myself.
parched and dry emotionally, and
hungry for the same compassion
that I have spent this long day.
And I fall into bed exhausted
My arms wrapped around myself,
searching for some type of comfort.
And yet,
and yet,
I get up the next morning, if not refreshed at least
slightly rested.
And I pull on my white scrubs and
put my stethoscope around my neck.
Back out into the world,
spreading more sunshine and healing,
no matter the cost to myself.
When last we left our young lovers, She had just confessed to He that her feelings were more than the mutual friendship they’d both enjoyed for so long….
She “I had to tell you. Please, say something.”
He: (Pause, looks to right then left before looking at her) “What do I say?”
She (eyes watering.) Looks searchingly at him.
There is silence, they are looking into each other’s eyes. She looks hopeful. He looks pained.Finally, the moment is broken when She turns her head to the left side, takes a half step backward.
She (eyes downcast) “Im sorry, maybe you should go.”
He: (reaches out, hands to her shoulders) “Wait.”
She: “For what? You gave me your answer. Im an idiot to think that there could be more between us and now I probably ruined it all.”
He: (whispers) You didn’t ruin it. I was quiet because I couldn’t believe you said it.”
She (Looks up to him, tears shining, hopeful expression) “Really?”
He responds by kissing her. She sighs, they press together.
yadda yadda yadda
cue steamy sex scene.
*
Act 2: The next morning in her hotel room.
She wakes up with a smile, stirs and reaches across bed for him.
Bed is empty.
She sits up, checks shower. Also empty.
There is a note on the table. She reads it aloud.
“Im sorry. I can’t do this. I love you but not like that that.”
She crumples up the note, throws it on the ground.
She begins to cry.
and cut.
the leaves fall softly outside in the brisk breeze. I huddle in my blanket, stretched out on the sofa. I can see out the window from here; I can watch the browning grass as the last remaining birds attempt to find sustenance from the hard, dry earth.
I shiver and pull my blanket higher, resting my head on my pillow.
Moving my arms causes the pain to spike from wrist to shoulder and I try not to wince. Outward shows of pain are not encouraged here after all.
The pain in my shoulders radiates to my back and I wish wish wish for a comforting touch, a gentle massage or just a warm hand between my shoulderblades. Anything to take the white throb away for a while.
How I long to be up and out. How I wish I could just get up, go somewhere.
But the cold is in my muscles, bones, blood.
My legs are leaden, and hips creak when I try to move them.
And don’t you dare touch them, else I will cry out.
The front door opens, colder air blows in with the arrival of the young ones home from their day.
Breathing deep, I pull off the blanket and stand up.
Hiding, always hiding, the sharp stabbing spikes
up the legs, down the back around the neck
I smile and push back the wince again
hiding always hiding
I begin my day.
spirit guide angel soulmate or lover
what does it matter, one from the other?
I crave and I cry with a whisper of sighs
and yet I’ll be alone
until the day I die.
Such tragic verse! So morose a view!
I can imagine it now
how
I’ve alienated you.
So run screaming for shelter and hide in the shade
I’m drenched in the mess of the life I have made.
There’s no truth in the garden no clearance of path
My feelings can harden, I can weep or just laugh
Im lost with no map…
Soulmate or lover or friend or acquaintance
Im just such high-maintenance.
Im not surprised that no one is home
Im not surprised to find myself alone.
Im shivering and sad to the bone
Waiting and watching while tears softly weep
How much I miss you
The one I never knew….
The one I have yet to meet.
Bewildered by your words, do you think I am stupid?
do you get off talking to me as if I were a child?
Do you enjoy keeping me in the dark, refusing to show me
what I need to learn?
Where is the love in your passive aggressive comments
“Its nice, be sure you don’t lose it”
“Its easy, you don’t know how to do it.”
“wow, what did you do all day? Not housework, huh?”
“the laundry doesn’t fold itself”
What the hell.
Guess what? I’m smarter than you where it counts.
I don’t set out to wound with passive aggressive comments that
make the kids cringe.
I’ve had to stop them multiple times
from defending me.
And I understand, its more important to work out,
than it is to spend time with me and
its more important to go to softball
than to take me out for mother’s day,
besides,
you already told me
I’m not your mother anyway.
And
its easy for me to sit here and throw words into the forest
but its so hard for me to talk to you.
Its been so long now,
easier just to bear it than fight it.
I made my choices
a long time ago.
but if you only knew what you are missing by
pushing me away.
If you only knew,
that you can’t say something mean and then say
“oh I was just joking”
and then expect me to wait naked in bed for you.
Mistrust me long enough and I’ll give you something to worry about.
Is it no wonder that I live halfway in dreams?
At least in dreams,
someone tells me I am smart
and tho I’ll never be beautiful
at least in dreams
I can pretend that someone appreciates
who I am.
writing for the sake of writing embellishing life with curli-cue words.
Standing alone at the edge of a cliff and
wondering yet if anyone’s heard.
The music the melody the song in my head
I ask you for comfort you say you’re going to bed
and I watch you lay peacefully while I stumble through life now
balancing all on the edge of the knife now
and wobbly and shaky emotionally fragile I watch you sleep softly
while I cry in the dark.
Mourning the loss of the spark..
These never-seen pages of angst and of lust
of poorly made poetry and
stories, they must
stay hidden in pages of internet forest
where you’ll never see them, but then of course
no one will read this these dreams and ambitions
the lonely-heart rambles of a housewife who’s smitten
with daydreams and wishes that can’t truly come true
because after all, I’m committed to you.
like butterflies walking on broken glass
or
stars falling in tandem
I feel this unsettling unnerving
something.
Something big is coming something
bad or good I don’t know can’t tell.
I wake with a sense of
foreboding anticipation
Not knowing if it safe enough to rise
or if I should hide under blankets for the day.
Dreams haunting daylight
but I can’t decode the images
starlight and water and
rain and sun.
I race through my daylight hours
waiting for night’s protection.
your stinging barbs and mean spirited criticism
of me and those I love
is not appreciated.
You come home and its a laundry list.
Why do you think I jump away from you
when you try to cop a feel.
passive aggressive is not a turn on.
In the dizzy dying darkness in the crawlspace of my mind
The cobwebs come to light at once a ghost pulls up the blind
I stare out thru the windows that have never seen the day
I wonder what possessed me then and holds me til this day.
In the warming of the winter when the flowers start to rise
I wander like a child now with ever-widening eyes.
I feel the moon within me and I feel the sun without
I feel the stars above me as my defenses all give out.
I walk within the prison walls I set before myself
I wander in the distance but I never leave my shelf.
A trinket or a toy now, a picture from a page
A telescope turned backwards as I now feel my age.
So in my dusty darkness, all quiet in the dim
I let the shades fall closed again and no more think of him.
Sweet you know I held you in the corners of my heart
And Sweet you know I never wanted us to part
I cried and tore my hair out
I fell upon the floor
I wept until I dreamed of you
And then I wept some more.
Sweet I loved you truly as only I could do
And Sweet I am so lonely, now that I don’t have you.
You left me all those years ago but stayed within my mind
And though I never knew you well I cherish our brief time.
So Sweet I beg forgiveness, where ever you may be
And someday in the future, Sweet, I hope you can love me.
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