How deep do you feel emotions? Do you think that you have any control over your emotions? Not control in terms of what you show to others, but control of what you truly, actually, deeply feel?
I have met people who have come across as so intense that their gaze almost hurts. I have met other people who are so shuttered that I have wondered if they have any emotion at all.
Maybe they are better at hiding things, or maybe they really feel little.
Me, I tend to be very reactive in my emotions. Its pretty evident in my writing.
I used to try to guard myself against being hurt by hiding and/or denying the feelings that made me feel uncomfortable. It was a defense mechanism I used during my parents’ divorce when I was a teenager and one that I still use to some degree with my mother.
But other than that, I tend to wear feeling out on my sleeve and in broad daylight. I can’t imagine hiding wonderful feelings of love or joy or happiness. However when I was younger, I was always scared to show positive emotion because I always just ‘knew’ that if I admitted to being happy or loving or whatever, something bad would happen.
I am glad that I have finally shed that destructive superstition.
My motto these days is to tell people how I feel when I feel positive towards someone. Does that make me emotionally intense, or just emotionally self-actualized? Some might claim obsessed, I suppose now I think about it. I make a habit of telling people that I appreciate them, or thanking people for helping me, or whatever positive thing I can think of. I like to brighten people’s days and I think that sharing a positive emotion is good for both parties involved.
And when someone hurts me, or I am angry, sad whatever…well, I am working on being able to verbalize those feelings. It’s hard though, isn’t it? I am going thru a time with my mother now where she is ‘punishing’ me and my sister because we nicely informed her to stop some behaviors that were unacceptable to us. That is the story of my life with my mother, so its not unexpected. But its also the reason why I am usually not very good at verbalizing the negatives.
So how do you react to others? How do you define your emotions-reactive? intense? well-hidden?
And how does your emotional response affect not only others, but you?
Do you think its healthy to deny emotions? Do you gulp them down in the name of keeping peace? Are you scared to tell someone that you care?
its strange, this lonliness…
it hits me like a wave on an otherwise sunny day.
Some chalk it up to hormones
but that’s the coward’s way out.
I run my life doing for others,
it is no surprise that I am left empty
by day’s end.
When I tell you I’ve been busy all day, I
get disdainful response.
When I tell you I am sad bored lonely confused,
I get a quizzical look and a change of subject.
Hell, when I talk about work, you change the subject–
in the middle of my sentence.
And yet there you go
kissing my neck when I am not looking.
Mixed messages reign supreme in my life and not just from you.
I need more than a kiss on the neck once a week
I need more than a bemused frown when I try to explain how I feel.
I need some connection, something a little more
I need
I need
I need….
My selfishness amazes even me, sometimes.
I can take it like a woman, babe.
Trust me.
I am strong and I am capable.
I can let your criticism roll off my back
and I can bypass your thinly-veiled
anger.
Hell
I can give it right back to you and better.
I can take it like a woman.
I can smile at you when you hurt me
I can swallow back tears with the best of them.
I can roam the internet, late at night,
searching for what you somehow can’t give me
or
don’t want to give.
I can fold your towels and wash your clothes
all with a determined, housewife air.
Inside though,
I am a woman and I am strong
I have thoughts, I have feelings.
I am smarter than you think–
smarter than I let on, most times.
So yeah, babe, I can take it like a woman.
I guess you’re the one who needs to worry now.
It comes upon me smoothly, like velvet across the delicate skin
at the base of the spine.
All at once I am consumed with chills, with fever.
My pupils dilate, and I am lost in the
dream again.
My shoulders rise with each breath
and I feel stirrings deep inside.
I breathe slowly, prolonging the moment
aching for the release but
consumed with the journey.
Breaths come quick now and my
hands clench and unclench
behind my closed lids I see you
In my soul I feel you and when it comes
I gasp.
The untouchable touch,
the sudden rise and fall,
again and again.
All without a word spoken or
the caress of skin.
All within the dream the haunting visions
of your eyes and body
as they consume mine
again and again.
I sigh in my release.
Did I tell you how often I dream of you?
Terrible dreams of passion and power.
Oh you would be so embarrassed if you saw inside my head
behind my eyes, where the night time visions grow.
I see you in so many situations
an unexpected meeting
a well-planned tryst
does it matter the place, of course not.
what matters is the heat
the skin to skin warm friction
hands
gripping your shoulders to pull you closer to me
my legs
around yours,
pulling you closer
drawing you deeper.
Your skin burning with the fire that I
have worked so hard to smoulder.
Oh these dreams
so real
So hot
so soft.
I swear when I wake up I can still feel your kiss on my lips
on my body and
I wish only to breathe your breath in real life
to fall into each other for just one moment
I dream nightly of your eyes
your smile
your touch
your kiss.
and each morning I awake somehow satisfied yet filled with more longing.
Aching to return to my dreamstate.
I ache crave crush for the sheer physical contact.
Rules be damned; we can deal with that later.
For now I beg for your touch, for your heat.
My skin craves the touch, my mouth the kiss
I crave to tell you of these nightime visions,
but I fear so much.
I’ve been told I come on a bit strong at times.
And if all I want to do is jump your bones
where does that leave the rest of you?
Sure I want to know you, hear you, listen to you love you
but tonight
damn
tonight I just want to do you.
And if I was alone with you right now
and if I was able to show you,
really show you,
what I am capable of.
What would you do?
I fucking dare you,
my love.
Drop your defenses, your words, your silences and
your clothes.
Give me your best, let me give you mine.
I can let go, I can just be and become who I am
can you say the same?
Again I dare you
strip yourself down to your real self
Screw all the social rules and regulations.
Screw all the limits, there is only possibility.
Give me your best shot baby
Give me a chance is all I ask
I guarantee you haven’t met anyone quite like me.
I’ll ask you again, can you walk the fire with me?
Can you let yourself live in the moment alone?
Separate the ‘should’ from the ‘must’
Show me the heights and depths of
your lust.
I’ll climb you like a mountain until you beg
for more and
I’ll bring you to the edges and back again
Come on baby, just give me a chance.
I dare you.
I fucking dare you.
Bewildered by your words, do you think I am stupid?
do you get off talking to me as if I were a child?
Do you enjoy keeping me in the dark, refusing to show me
what I need to learn?
Where is the love in your passive aggressive comments
“Its nice, be sure you don’t lose it”
“Its easy, you don’t know how to do it.”
“wow, what did you do all day? Not housework, huh?”
“the laundry doesn’t fold itself”
What the hell.
Guess what? I’m smarter than you where it counts.
I don’t set out to wound with passive aggressive comments that
make the kids cringe.
I’ve had to stop them multiple times
from defending me.
And I understand, its more important to work out,
than it is to spend time with me and
its more important to go to softball
than to take me out for mother’s day,
besides,
you already told me
I’m not your mother anyway.
And
its easy for me to sit here and throw words into the forest
but its so hard for me to talk to you.
Its been so long now,
easier just to bear it than fight it.
I made my choices
a long time ago.
but if you only knew what you are missing by
pushing me away.
If you only knew,
that you can’t say something mean and then say
“oh I was just joking”
and then expect me to wait naked in bed for you.
Mistrust me long enough and I’ll give you something to worry about.
Is it no wonder that I live halfway in dreams?
At least in dreams,
someone tells me I am smart
and tho I’ll never be beautiful
at least in dreams
I can pretend that someone appreciates
who I am.
He asked me once, right before he left, what would I do
If I could do anything.
Right now, right this very minute.
I had to stop
and think a minute.
His foot tapped impatiently
“this isn’t how you play the game, you know”
He said with furrowed brow.
“You always take so long”
I swallowed and took a deep breath
and let it out slow.
Anything right now? I wondered.
What would I do…
And I watched him watch me, his eyes questioning, his mouth
tight
and drawn.
Of course, I thought without speaking.
And snapped my fingers.
And all at once
He was gone.
you made me think i loved you and you treated me like shit you made me think you loved me and you scratched me and you bit. you thought you’d had the perfect plan and all would go so well but you screwed yourself up royally do you enjoy your cell. you almost ruined all i had and took from me so much you lured me and confused me with your lying and your touch. i hope i never see you and i hope we never meet because i might just run you over if I see you in the street.
Recent Comments