The D Spot

My thoughts lately have taken a morbid turn and I’ve been thinking lately of all the things I want to do with my life that I have not yet done. All the things I want to say but haven’t said, all the things I want to feel, taste, explore…
I am on the edge of 40 and there is a great chance that my life is at least half over….and there is so much yet to do!
Some of the more conventional things I want to do are listed. The unconventional ones are staying private.
–go on a trip outside of the country
–take a cruise
–get some more college degrees (already working on this one. I have two associate degrees, and am starting my bachelor’s degree. Masters to follow)
–get to know more members of my extended family
–get either my poetry or prose published (kind of doing that with my sideline writing gig but I want to be in PRINT)
–hug more people, more often
–there are people I want to get to know better, to spend more time with
and the rest is secret!

The weather started as I was leaving the parking garage after my long 12h shift. The air was gravid with rain and the clouds broke just as I was going out from the cement shelter of the garage. Lightning lit the sky in sudden, dense chains, and thunder rolled like an earthquake in the deep clouds.
I turned on the windshield wipers and began my long drive home as nature played Her dark symphony around me.

My mind got to thinking about the energy in the storm. Lighning holds such obvious power. One flash can light the sky, start a fire, kill a man. Each time the sky lit up my heart raced for a minute, waiting for the inevitable thunder to follow, counting the seconds between the flash and the crash.

There is passion in such power. A dance between the Mother and the Father. Mother soaks up the rain and the electricity that Father pours down. Mother gives back the water and the electricity to Father. A rotating cycle of give and take, flash and crash. Passion and power.

Talk about emotional reactions…endings.
What do you do when someone stops loving you? What do you do when someone just decides not to have anything to do with you anymore?
How do you handle when someone pointedly ignores you?
sigh
My mother, who is not talking to me since early May when my sister and I asked her to stop some unacceptable behavior, came over today to give my daughter her birthday presents. She walked in, passed me, and hugged my daughter. Sat in my living room, ignoring me. Not talking to me, not asking me anything but full of questions for my kids. When it was time to go, she hugged my daughter, blew a kiss to my son, and when I moved closer to her she just said “Well, goodbye D” and left after a snide “call me”.
**
For once she is not treating me like I am 12; she is acting like she is the 12 year old. Not sure which is worse…
**

I was throwing some cards the other day, and I came across the message that said an ending would occur, but that every ending is just another beginning.
Well that’s all well and good, I thought. But that doesn’t make the endings seem any better or easier, does it?
There are so many different kinds of endings in our lives. Happy and sad, big and small. Growing up is an ending, breaking up is an ending. So are losing touch with old friends, graduating, moving…basically any change is an end.
And change means just going from one state of being to another.
I guess thats how endings become beginnings, but it STILL doesn’t address the pain that can be associated with the endings.
How do you cope with endings and changes? Do you rail against change, deny every end? Do you accept it as just another part of life, and passively allow what will happen anyway to happen?
Do you think all change is inevitable and just fate/destiny, or do you think that you can put the process of change in place, and conversely stop a change or ending once its started?
*

Me: Ok, we are sending you home with a prescription for Vicodin. Have you ever taken it before?
Patient: Oh yes! I love the vicodin!
Me: Good. Well you know it will make you sleepy, right?
Patient: Oh yes, my boyfriend used to take it.
Me: Your boyfriend?
Patient: Oh yes. But he died. He was blown up in a car explosion.
Me: Oh how sad!
Patient: Yes, but its okay because he donated all his organs to me! So now I have a part of him with me always!
Me: Ooookkkaaay…
********************************
(Loud yelling, blustering)
Security: Why are you so upset sir?
Man: Because I’m evil!! I’m SAATTTAAAANNNN
(More scuffling)
(After man is placed in four-point restraints:)
Security: Sir, I’m going to pat you down. Do you have any sharp ojects on you?
Man: Yeah! My prick, you asshole!!

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

the dream was that I was outside and it was cold…wintertime or there abouts. I look up and the plane is coming towards me, going east I believe. It is in the sky but falling. It falls at the horizon. I can’t hear it land but I know it is in the ocean. Tragedy.

Energy swirls around me, electronics going on and off whenever I raise the power. It almost scares me but not quite.
I heard it said somewhere that sexual energy is the most powerful. No wonder all acts of love are considered worship.
I want to fly out, to travel where I once went as a child. I want that freedom to explore, to fly in the clouds like I haven’t in some time.
The fax machine doesn’t work at work when I am near it. IV pumps alarm for no real reason.
The last time all this happened it was when I was pregnant. I am sure as hell not pregnant now.
I am pregnant with energy, with goddess love.
I carry the desire, but have no means to an end.