The D Spot

words once said cannot be un-said;
they remain
crinkled like paper in the trashcan
or
hidden like the razor in the cabinet under the sink.
You speak harshly and I fall senseless
to the ground
overcome
by your quiet lack of regard
for what it means to be nice.
Compliments have never flowed easy from your lips
compliments couched in criticisms are another story,
of course.
Someday will you tell me you love me
and make me believe it?
Someday will you really look at me
and instead of telling me ways to be better,
just take me in your arms
and let me cry there for a while?
Like the silent flame from the unattended candle
I smolder and go out.
Drowned in my own puddle of wax
and melting on the floor.

Bewildered by your words, do you think I am stupid?
do you get off talking to me as if I were a child?
Do you enjoy keeping me in the dark, refusing to show me
what I need to learn?
Where is the love in your passive aggressive comments
“Its nice, be sure you don’t lose it”
“Its easy, you don’t know how to do it.”
“wow, what did you do all day? Not housework, huh?”
“the laundry doesn’t fold itself”
What the hell.
Guess what? I’m smarter than you where it counts.
I don’t set out to wound with passive aggressive comments that
make the kids cringe.
I’ve had to stop them multiple times
from defending me.
And I understand, its more important to work out,
than it is to spend time with me and
its more important to go to softball
than to take me out for mother’s day,
besides,
you already told me
I’m not your mother anyway.
And
its easy for me to sit here and throw words into the forest
but its so hard for me to talk to you.
Its been so long now,
easier just to bear it than fight it.
I made my choices
a long time ago.
but if you only knew what you are missing by
pushing me away.
If you only knew,
that you can’t say something mean and then say
“oh I was just joking”
and then expect me to wait naked in bed for you.
Mistrust me long enough and I’ll give you something to worry about.
Is it no wonder that I live halfway in dreams?
At least in dreams,
someone tells me I am smart
and tho I’ll never be beautiful
at least in dreams
I can pretend that someone appreciates
who I am.

your stinging barbs and mean spirited criticism
of me and those I love
is not appreciated.
You come home and its a laundry list.
Why do you think I jump away from you
when you try to cop a feel.
passive aggressive is not a turn on.

He asked me once, right before he left, what would I do
If I could do anything.
Right now, right this very minute.
I had to stop
and think a minute.
His foot tapped impatiently
“this isn’t how you play the game, you know”
He said with furrowed brow.
“You always take so long”
I swallowed and took a deep breath
and let it out slow.
Anything right now? I wondered.
What would I do…
And I watched him watch me, his eyes questioning, his mouth
tight
and drawn.
Of course, I thought without speaking.
And snapped my fingers.
And all at once
He was gone.

I see you flying,
Hair tousled, smile on your face
You close your eyes as the wind brushes your eyelids.
A peaceful look, no doubt.
I hear you cheering as you
Nearly touch the sky
The stars reflecting in your smile.
You wave at me.
And my eyes fill with unwanted tears
As I raise my hand in response.
Someday you will wave goodbye
What blessing is there in knowing how it will happen
When you finally do touch the sky
You will not come lightly back to earth when the ride stops,
Running to me, a quick kiss on the lips before the next ride.
You will continue on, into the stars and beyond
And I won’t be able to kiss you anymore.

*
In the evening of the morning
of the day we went to hell.
In the after of the later
of the time when you were well…
I can wander I can wonder I can sit and bow down under
All the wailing and the thunder that tears my heart asunder
Yet still you are before me
I love you, you adore me
My one and only lover is now threatened by another
Are we bigger are we stronger
Can we hold on any longer?
We fight the fight and face the night
And grab the apple, take a bite.
for in knowledge lies our power
And in every midnight hour
we reach for each and every minute
that doesn’t have your illness in it….
*
Beast, how I hate you.
I hate your pervasive ways, your interfering serpentine madness.
I hate the way you took what we had and twisted it around
Until we have to fight to hold on to what we deserve.
Beast, We will beat you.
We will stop you with chemicals, with toxins and poisons,
We will remove you from every cell of our lives
From every thought of our future.
Beast, you will be gone from our presence like a bad dream in the sunshine.
You will be crushed under our feet like an eggshell into gravel.
You will be sent far away, deep into the labyrinth sewers of discarded medical waste.
And we will link our hands together
And dance upon your demise.
*
I watch you shiver and watch you shake
I watch your cough and the sounds you make.
I wipe your head with a cool rag
I get the inhaler from your bag.
I start to cry and then wipe dry
the tears I fear I have to hide.
I miss the nights that came before
When we snuggled behind the bedroom door.
I grab the needle, the medicine
hit the plunger, push it in.
*
sneaking around the corners like a silent thief at night
riding in the backseat when stopped at the traffic light
dancing in the bloodstream or in the random cells
coming like a coward, leaving a path of living hell.
What creeps within the corners
what knocks upon the door
what comes when no one’s looking
and then sneaks away once more
And in the final moments, while all is calm at night
a sudden breath of darkness and another soul takes flight.
there is no rhyme or reason
there is no way to say
whether you or me tomorrow
whether someone else today
I hear the spiders laughing
while spinning on their webs
I hear the planets sighing
While those behind are crying
At another sudden passing
*
Start with six little green and yellows in a divided dose a day.
The round orange one to offset the side effect of the green and yellows.
The purple capsule to mend the pain that the little white one caused.
The big white ones pack a punch so don’t get addicted (the addiction of the stars!)
the clear stuff comes from a needle. You will be quite sick in 8-10 hours.
Not so bad, a fever and chills.
Oh yes, you might lose some hair.
Do this three times a week.
Don’t forget your vitamins, your cholesterol, your blood pressure pills.
Drink 10 cups of water a day, and remember–
think positive.
*
This morning I woke up early, and like
every other morning, I peeked out the window
to see what weather I will face this day.
Imagine my surprise, when I was near blinded
By a flash of early-morning sunlight.
So bright, and so uncommonly warm.
The grass outside was colored a deep
emerald green, and I could see the tree in profile,
Small buds standing out on the branches like
miniature sentries, holding on for the spring.
I sighed and I laid back down for just another minute.
I turned to look at you
A small sliver of the sunlight fell in the window and carressed your face.
Golden light across your cheeks, I gently touched you and we shared the warmth.
You smiled as you slept.
And I smiled too.

you made me think i loved you and you treated me like shit you made me think you loved me and you scratched me and you bit. you thought you’d had the perfect plan and all would go so well but you screwed yourself up royally do you enjoy your cell. you almost ruined all i had and took from me so much you lured me and confused me with your lying and your touch. i hope i never see you and i hope we never meet because i might just run you over if I see you in the street.